| Trying |
[10 Oct 2008|11:13pm] |
Why is it so hard for me to find the poetry again?
I know I have it in me but passion is building up potential energy inside instead of developing into kinetic energy. I need that outside force. WHERE ARE YOU OUTSIDE FORCE?
My only passion as of late is that of cranes. I cannot get over them. In such a developing city they are constantly surrounding me. It strikes me odd that I seem to be the only one marveling at them. The tools we use to build what human hands used to are miraculous and yet their beauty is lost in the constant hustle of everyday life.
I need to take my own pictures.
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[06 Feb 2008|10:34pm] |
I've began to notice the things that help me to understand who I am. The similes and metaphors apparent in everything around me.
My leaking obsession with cranes, not the bird, but the lever and pulley. The way everyone ignores their presence except those who use them. The way they silently build the foundations and levels of our structures. The way they beg for attention, and how many of them there really are.
I am sorry it has been so long, live journal.
It has been almost 5 years since a hurricane has threatened Jacksonville, and I am sitting here in ignorance and disbelief. We are supposed to be protected in our little jut of Jacksonville. I am frustrating myself with the idea of going to the store and fighting all the crazy's for bottles of water and cans of tomato soup.
Speaking of hurricanes, the 20 year mark has been quite the storm. I've been through addictions, heart ache, room mates, three different apartments, thankfully keeping one job, two colleges, and a severe amount of loneliness. This has been the loneliest year of my life. But also the best year of my life. Throughout all the bullshit and anxiety and hard work I have really come ahead now. I have a more honest relationship with my dad and grandparents. I have maintained a job for over a year and I don't hate it still. I live on my own and can pay my own bills. And I have really seen myself grow through all of it. The time is now for endless improvements and that is what I hope to accomplish. Finally getting myself healthy, for me. Making a list of long-term to-dos and checking them off one-by-one. And hopefully traveling as much as I possibly can. I want 21 to be an adventure since 20 was much more of a realm of lessons that needed to be learned.
Here I come 21.
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[02 Aug 2007|12:13pm] |
sometimes... the pressure is just too much.
sometimes... i need to learn to tone it down.
and sometimes... sleep seems obsolete.
next week will be great because i wont have to worry about school anymore...for a little while anyways.
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| 2007 |
[30 Jul 2007|10:50am] |
so, it's been a while, huh?
too much to possibly fit into a journal entry, i will just have to start writing in here regularly again.
for personal reference, lets try and sum up the past 7 almost 8 months.
-liked a guy but he ended up having a baby and assumed his responsibilities so i assumed singularity.
-stayed living in my apartment on post street.
-went through spring semester/ second semester in college.
-started dating someone for about 2 months and then ended it because of quite a few differences, but mainly our generational gap.
-started working at the brick restaurant in avondale and still work there.
-went to BONNAROO 2007 and had a blast.
-started summer semester and am still currently attending.
-moved out of apartment and into my first place with a roomate a.k.a my friend lauren from work.
i have been so insanely busy lately that it wears me out to even think about. between school, work, homework, and a social life my body, mind, and pocket have been exhausted.
soon i want to get it all in order. hopefully ill maintain the A's I have in my classes and get my bright futures scholarship back. if not then there will be no more college for evan. which means i will just work work work.
i want to feel inspired again... in the ways i used to. i wish i had insomnia again but im just too damn tired nowadays. the most inspiration ive had is for organization and painting. but i want to write again.... maybe when i dont have papers due in class everyday i will want to again.
ive finally lost interest in dating or crushing or anything on anyone. im actually too busy for real this time to have anything going on like that. if that were to happen for me it would be amazing but it would mean someone taking the steps to attract me and not vice versa as usual.
my family kicks so much ass. 'nuff said. i relish the day i am able to pay them all back for what they have poured into my life both financially and emotionally.
right now i just have to focus on sticking to my word. living honestly. being on time. maintaining moderation. saving money. and getting good grades.
no one even reads this. and i love it. if you do, come hang out with me. we will smoke and chat and drink some cheap Riesling :)
<3 evan
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[08 Dec 2006|11:46pm] |
i almost like a guy.
my first semester of college is over on monday. wait, what?
im currently sitting in the bedroom of my own apartment. and by golly it feels nice. a little cold.. but nice.
i wish i hadnt of moved in when the weather was cold but i can bundle up.
i want to have a cute , under stated christmas.
but really what im wondering is what is new years going to be like?
lots more later. i just needed to dabble.
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[01 Nov 2006|11:41am] |
that entry down there.... ya know the one below this one. i just..found? and its old. im actually wearing the shirt i got from the yeah yeah yeahs show right now. that show was like 3 weeks ago. lol.
anyways. everytime i come back to livejournal i like to read all of my old entries. or atleast a few of them just to see where i was when. i came upon an entry that was made a year ago yesterday and it was kind of cute. talking about seasons changing and what i hope for for the winter and i have absolutley no idea what i want now. i year later..and more lost than ever.
all i want is a routine. i want to be healthy and intelligent and happy. i dont want any particular thing or person. everythings a bit too ambiguous for that now.
im just wishing right now more then anything that i get that job. so i can make big moolah so i will have money to have a place to stay when my mom finally abandones me. i still can't believe i will be parentless in my own city. its like i went off to college and i didnt even have to go anywhere. almost cool. and pretty scary. after i get this job or some job i will feel much better. just the instability is killing me. makes me nervous to even type about it.
oh green world....
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[01 Nov 2006|10:54am] |
who knows where things are to go from here.
what should i do,self? just give up and redetermine my decision?
why do people always have to get in the way of things?
all i really care about right now is the fact that my birthday is on sunday and friday night im having a sailor and pirate party so that should be interesting. ive never really thrown anything like this before. ill just be excited if i dont have to pay for anything.
im feeling unoriginal and boring. but oh well. hopefully ill accomplish the goals ive set for myself and that will be radicalll :).
finally its time to focus. school. working out. and getting back into music. i cant wait til i see the yeah yeah yeahs. its going to be ridiculous.
ive been ridiculously emotional lately. listening to certain music makes me want to cry as soon as i hear the beat.
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[02 Sep 2006|01:35pm] |
why doesnt anyone in college look angry?
they either look sleepy or stupid...or self-absorbed.
i almost miss the people who had a little angst in them. but not the kind that you focus on at every second of every day.
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[01 Sep 2006|10:40am] |
what do you do when you dont love anyone?
when you have realized that the potential feelings you have for so many people are so lost. stored energy that will never be used. because reciprocation just isn't on your side. I can say that i've probably never felt more alone than i do right now. and its not because anyone has done something to me. its more of the fact that they would rather not do anything at all. and in realizing this ive made a conscious decision to start focusing in on myself. if i want to do something i will.. if i dont... i wont. its really just that simple.
if i want to drink..ill drink
if i want to hang out... ill hang out
if i want to go out... ill go out
and if i dont want to.. i wont.
ive somehow accumulated about 100 bucks without doing anything and im really not sure how. but nevertheless i think id rather stick it in the bank than blow it on meaningless things. or whatever i regard as meaningless at the moment.
i'm so glad that only maybe 1 or 2 people will read this. because i dont want a fucking pity party of people who come around when you say youre lonely and then fade away when the heroism is gone. when they are done rescuing you.
the more and more i think about this the more and more i can't decide what i should do about it.
for right now im just going to leave it be and see what happens.
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[01 May 2006|01:22am] |
now i know how joan of arc felt :)
im putting the caps on the bottles i call relationships. platonic or not they are becoming sealed and complete.
this rain is so random or maybe im just oblivious because i havent been watching the weather channel.
last night was a relief. im glad i wasnt as disgusting as last week.saw the good people i wish i saw outside of the pearl as well but in due time those things will work out.
im in a comfortable rut. but i need to start working. MONDAY MONDAY MONDAY!
oh yeah. and you should really break it down to the windshield wiper beat! :)
hahahah oh the drunken sillyness that flows out of my mouth.
im ready for summer to start!... wheres the parties? i wish this summer was a little but more like last summer.. but only in certain ways.
<3
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[01 May 2006|01:18am] |
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music |
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yeah yeah yeahs= phenomena |
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have you ever just wanted to walk up to someone randomly and shake them and say "remember this moment. remember your reaction to what i am saying and remember your alive. for goodness sake just remember."
i hate forgetting things. anything. what i should be doing. what day month or year it is. im so frustrated with what my mind registers as significant. im so possesed with stupid insecurities. not physical aspects but in myself. in my own intelligence. for instance, if i spell a word incorrectly that is so ridiculously easy. like remember whether or not the "e" comes before the "i" or vice versa. how do people specifically myself become so obsessed with these things? is this "personality" or "quirks"? is it anything at all but what you make it. absolutley not.
i wish people would make things seem more important. if not for themselves to keep everyone else on their toes. whats a competition with no competitors you know? amlify the pep in your step please. otherwise you just seem like a slacker. right? i guess not really. i love having these meaningless batlles with myself. first statement= idealist. second statement = realist.
i had the worst dream last night. im sure i know the chemical compounds for it but nonetheless is rattled my brain. it ended with me holding my sisters in my arms..surrounded by all of my family as i was dying due to a gun shot to the head. now what the fuck is that supposed to mean? how should i interpret that one eh? needless to say its been on the brain all day. i really want to have a lucid dream one day. that appeals to me more than a lot of things. being in complete control. how awesome would that be?
circumstance and chance. those two things control all of us and we really have no idea. from the mouth of gnarls barkley "who do you..who do you..who do you..who do you..who do you think you are? hahaha bless your soul! you really think you're in control." as much as that idea seems very accomplishable its so far from the truth. all these things that couldnt happen to us. who is to say that? not you. be careful of your neighbor. i never realized until very recently how much the only advice my mom ever gave me was really so universal and valuable. "always be aware of your surroundings." without that you have nothing. oblivion can equal a lot of trouble. reassurance is a myth. actually i think its a synonym to religion. but we wont go there just yet.
what to say about people. well those in my life. i dont know where to begin. nor do i know if i even want to. i want to subtract that portion of my attention and direct to something a lot more valuable...myself. i understand that human interaction is valuable and somewhat beneficial...but who is to say one cant be completley satisfied with minimal amounts of it ? your life is nothing without you...so shouldnt you value yourself more than anyone else? those willing to sacrifice themselves for unhonorable reasons seem so useless. what happened to balance and logic and moderation? our society is filled with extremeties that are throwing off the richter. addictions and epedemics. they do the job of reduction for those who produce and produce and subtract from the rest of us. self-pity is so unimpressive. im almost glad i really havent had someone very close to me to connect with or to gush with. dealing with whats going on seems so much more important when accomplished individually. although i understand that isnt the status quo.
i cant deny that ever-tugging appeal to a platonic companion. partner in crime. and fellow intelligent human being who could challenge me and support me. there has to be other people in this abyss. this stagnation of interaction. this lack of stability and sense of belonging. but i dont want a lonely person. because well im not lonely .
life is about to become really exciting. i can feel it.
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[01 May 2006|01:11am] |
im a get-up-and-go lady in waiting.
its getting pretty interesting. semi-lonely yet satisfying.
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[27 Apr 2006|08:58pm] |
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music |
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!!!-Shitscheissemerde |
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This song puts me in a good mood no matter what. I recommend this band to anyone that likes to get down and boogie.
So life has gone straight down the tubes lately and due to legalities its probably best i dont speak on it especially on the internet.
Over the 4 month hump and still travelin'.
In 6 days I will know how many people I have to dissapoint. BLAH!
I really like that I have been talking with a lot of people i have lost contact in the past couple of weeks.
Two of my favorite ladies have moved into their own apartment. Which should prove for some escalated fun during the summertime.
Thank goodness to you for my fall entrance into UNF!! woo hoo baby!
Ive done many things in the past couple of months that i dont think i ever thought i would do but im sooooo glad that they have all happened. Some may judge and some may choose not to but i am who i am and the stubborn little evan chooses to believe that what is happening is just a personal test.
I can see my future. i KNOW its still there. in all its glory. Right now ive really got to just kick my bad habits to the curb and focus on what i have to do RIGHT NOW to get to where i want to go .
But above all that im living in the moment and at this moment i want to pizza to get here so i can consume it. then top that off with a mixture of things . AND THEN....dance my pants off.
<3 evan
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[07 Mar 2006|08:00pm] |
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music |
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rob roy- a killer in my mind |
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Life has become what it always ends up becoming.
A big fat mess. complete with fleeing emotions eloping with money.
i really need to get a new picture up here of my..well...face. ha.
car WRECK. such an interesting event. full of onomatopoeias.
scary endings and beginnings coming up.
im not so bold and daring when it comes to some things anymore.
the more and more i think about moving out the more and more i realize that my quaint, cute room here at my moms aparamente is free. and the roommates i was hoping for are long gone.
UNF..i will prove you wrong. acronyms will not scare me.
im am a lousy cheater but hey atleast i admit it.
alright all you pranksters.. who wants to do some dirty work to leave a happy memory?
anyone need someone for odd jobs who will pay them somewhat decently.? call me :)
im so ridiculously in love right now. 4 months( well on the 18th ) and counting. its so weird to think about. the person im with and where weve come from. from 3 years ago in the cool houses garage to our first kiss in my car in the unf parking lot.
there is something so significant but so hard to pin point that is missing in my life right now though. this gap, this canyon jump from what i am to what i am going to be.
i am in a content, joyful place though. there are people missing that were there before and some are back that had been missing before. no quarrels or oddities.
just surroundings.
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[16 Feb 2006|12:19am] |
solid. lying diagonal and still.
broken backs and ancient methods.
but sturdy and unforgettable.
your spinning balance waivers.
lines stike and borders decorate.
asking questions has become the answer.
the answers only turn into questions.
needless explinations.
thoughtless.
no structure.
demolition.
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[15 Feb 2006|11:59pm] |
i hate that i almost miss you. and you.
but everytime i think about it i always have to remember that actions speak louder than words.
i cant help but think about if they even miss me too. and if they even feel bad for hurting me. either way their possible remorse has not been very clear to me.
its almost reassuring when people ask if you and i are still friends and now i say no. now its different. now things will never be how they were. no matter how bad i may almost miss you and you i will stand my ground because this means more than what youve done to me. this means i am sticking to my word. this means i am not afraid of change and that i actually have more to myself than relationships.
this means there is validty in my emotion.
whats crazy is that i have to remind myself they you and you are not the type of people to ever admit youre wrong.
and you ( not you and you ) almost sadden me. because you are drifting very far. turning into more broken promises. unkept plans. i am already creating alternatives for myself. because lack of interest is disheartening. i refuse to be left in the dust with a plan and no companion. journies are only that if you take them.
i am taking this one.
speak now or forever hold your peace.
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[19 Dec 2005|05:58pm] |
im a selfish liar.
and im okay with that.
i hate capital letters and proper punctuation. but by golly if you dont use the correct form of your ( your (possesive) or you're ( you are )) i will hate you secretly.
i wouldnt have sex with myself.
cameras never seem to catch the same image as my eyes.
i always wear layers. get over it.
i cant rely on most of my friends.
my favorite color has always been white. but when i was in elementary school i was told that white and black weren't colors. so my second favorite is green.
my moms computer is a miracle maker. ( i wont know what this means when i look back a this entry in two months)
i get addicted to songs . alot. i know that alot should be spelled 'a lot' but i never do it.
why am i explaining myself to .. myself?
im so over my facade. upfront i should just tell people what i dont like about them. especially date prospects.
if i cant be intimate with you. we wont be together.
if you cant buy my dinner sometimes. we wont be dating.
if you dont own a car. im not going to be your taxi.
if you arent internet inclined, and dont own a cell phone. it probably wont work.
if you dont drink or smoke then...well you get the point.
im always cold.
i dont know any of my family. except excerpts of my moms life. and my uncle jerry.
im a sucker for reassurance.
im going to put an end to this madness.
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| AHHHHH |
[26 Nov 2005|02:10pm] |
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IM SO DRY!
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